I used to do videos heaps when I was a kid. This big ass brick camcorder. We (My siblings and I) would lip sync to our favourite sounds. My parents were so amused by it that they thought it would be a great idea to record them and send them out as Christmas gifts each year. It became a tradition for about 3 years.

I was so uncomfortable but I also felt free. I was able to dress up. I was able to swing my hips and fling my hands about. I was able to be creative and outgoing. It made me feel like I had confidence. It was amazing.

It also made my family smile. It made other smiles. We’d start to hear from relatives we never ever heard from normally. They’d write about how much they loved the videos and how they couldn’t wait till next year to see the next one.

But things started to change. The obvious change was me. I was hitting puberty and so I started growing facial hair. I started to fill out in places. It was awkward and my self esteem was starting to go out of wack. And that’s when I started to overhear relatives talking to my mom about my changes. They started making comments about my facial hair. So I made sure I shaved for the next video. But then the horrific happened. There was a video where, quite frankly, you could tell I had a penis. If this surprises you…like it seemed to surprise my relatives…then you really need to start getting more comfortable with the human body and accept that I have a penis.

I was horrified listening to my family discuss it. There was one video where it was obvious my junk was bouncing around. I didn’t have clothes that fit properly. They were usually a size too big so I could grow into them. They were hand me downs or from the church. We were a low economical family. That’s what we had. It was a funny video nonetheless but IRONICALLY, it was a video about a peeping tom. A creep of a guy calling up this girl all the time. A stalker. We thought it was funny. It was a funny song. Thinking about it now, I have a different opinion about it. But I’m more aware and I’m not in a household where I had to accept what they deemed acceptable. The song was called:

It’s Me Again Margaret

To have a teenager listen to his other family members discuss his body parts was horrible. But then to hear from other relatives how inappropriate it was for me to do. After that, the next year, we started to lose control over what songs we picked. The adults started to censor us and it was no longer fun anymore. We didn’t do one. I think we went two years before making our next one. And again, the relatives just talked about how all three of us had changed physically.

There were even relatives who started to make fun of me…I dressed as a really vamped up girl and lip synced to: It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To.

I stopped doing the videos after that. I started to hate the changes that were happening to my body. I hated the way I sounded. Everything about me, according to the adult family members was wrong or bad or inappropriate. My voice sounded gay, I’d hear, so I didn’t talk as much. Nor did I record my voice anymore. I was starting to get chubby and I’d hear about it at school. I’d talk with my hands. The way I walked wasn’t even right. And for the longest time I hated myself. I didn’t want to be me.

So, I cringe even now getting in front of videos. I did Facebook Live for the longest time and all I would see and hear were faults so I stopped doing those. The interaction I was getting wasn’t enough to silence the negative thoughts in my head. I just stopped interacting online altogether.

I had a Youtube channel where I used to do videos. Funny videos. I remember my ‘friends’ at the time huddled around me and watched them. I could see the disapproval on their faces. They didn’t laugh at my jokes. Some were even embarrassed. A couple thought it was hilarious, but again, I didn’t hear that anymore. I just heard my negative thoughts added to the voices of the disapproving ‘friends’.

In a perfect world, I’d lip sync to songs for fun and share them. I’d dress up and be silly. I’d make jokes. I’d read my stories and poems. Sing. I’d do what I see a lot of people do without hesitation…and to be honest, it makes me hate myself even more that I can’t just be myself.

Because…the truth is…I don’t think I’m worth it. I don’t think I’m good. I don’t think I look good enough. Sound good enough. Act good enough. And because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people take advantage of that. There are enough trolls out there and vindictive and spiteful people to try and knock me down. And that terrifies me.

I put a Live Video up a few days ago on my Instagram. It was me singing Over the Rainbow. I didn’t keep it up long. No one saw it. I only did it because it was 4am here and no one would be on. I was right. No one caught it and I was more excited about the fact that no one saw it than the idea that someone might have enjoyed it.

A family can build you up, but they can also knock you down. I wish I had more in my biological family that helped build me more.

One day, I’ll be myself completely. I’ll put myself out there and you know what, I’ll sabotage myself. Somehow. Because sometimes, I’m my own worst enemy.